Saturday, June 29, 2013

creating a/broad, June 29, 2013

by Cameryn Moore

Today is a bad day, and I don’t think coffee will help, although I’m waiting for the cup to drip right now and I’m willing for it to work. It feels so bad that I am getting tired of being on the inside of my own head. I can’t even bring myself to listen to the mental echoes of my own spiraling funk, so I sure as shit don’t want to inflict it on you.

I don’t want to write about how very homesick I feel for Montreal—which is only two hours away, for fuck’s sake!—or how tired I am of this air mattress. I don’t want to say how much I miss my lovers. I don’t want to write about how I fucked up my hosting duties last night and angered a fellow artist. And I certainly don’t want to write about this fundraiser show that I’m supposed to be participating in tonight, the theme of which is FRIGHT, and the only thing I can think is, I’m afraid I don’t have anything for this show, and I’m debating whether I should just pull out. (I did pull out of the show. I needed a mental-health day like WHOA.)

I need something else to think about this morning, something altogether different. Today is my Fringe affirmation day. The following are things that I am grateful about right now:
  • Watermelon Wednesday. A Fringe colleague and I are giving away free watermelon at the beer tent this evening. People will be very happy about that, and in addition to the visibility, I love feeding people, so that’ll be good.
  • I have amazing friends and collaborators, people who egg me on and encourage me.
  • My billet’s roommate eats bacon for breakfast every single day, so in the morning the house always smells like bacon. The only thing that would make it better is if he offered me some, but oh well!
  • I don’t have to wear stage makeup again until tomorrow afternoon, and if I want to, I can take it off right afterward.
  • My drip coffee is done.
  • While being in the Ottawa Fringe without being in the program has been REALLY, REALLY TOUGH in terms of getting audience, the people who do come to see it are enjoying the shit out of it.
  • The sheet provided for my air mattress seems to be a unexpectedly high thread-count cotton. It feels so good at night!
  • I have a little bit more cash now for Edinburgh, and will have still more by Sunday.
  • The Whorasol is the best thing that I have done yet for street promo, and the slut (r)evolution version is holding up just fine.
  • I got to sit down with a Fringe friend this week and really talk about hard stuff in our relationships. I never get to do that. At Fringe we are always so busy promoting and performing and thinking about box office. This talk was balm to my soul.
  • I have three writing projects on the burner, and some of them are definitely deeper than I want to go. And that’s a good thing.
  • The Deerinator is the bomb. My car is a sweet, sweet ride, and she takes care of all of my travel needs.
  • My body is fantastic! I am really happy that it is going along in working order right now. Also, some people like to look at it, so that’s nice. I like to give people PantsFeels.
  • This coffee is good.
  • By this time next week I will be doing Sidewalk Smut on the streets of Montreal. I love that I could roll into any normal-sized city with my typewriter, and by that night I’d probably have food money for the next day.
  • My boots are holding up. In two weeks I will have my classic boots again, but these understudy boots are doing just fine.
  • My bulldozer personality gets shit done. It also gets me into trouble, but mostly it gets shit done.
  • I am going to Edinburgh in a month, and a bunch of people donated a bunch of money to make that possible.
  • I have wonderful lovers. They are good people, and even when I’m not around, they help so much.
  • I am glad I learned how to type.
  • I am grateful for poutine, for all kinds of food that I don’t eat all the time, but that seem to be designed for very specific comfort moments.
  • This coffee is really good. I’m going to make some more.
  • It seems like the rain will hold off for today.
  • I still have clean underwear left in my suitcase. I wonder if I have enough to get me back to Montreal.
  • The smell of men who showered in the morning, but it’s evening now and it’s been summer all day. A little bit briny.
  • The defrosted blueberries I’m about to put into my mouth. Little fruit-sicles.
  • Doing phone sex. If I hadn’t started doing that, I would not have ended up doing any of the other wonderful things that I’ve done, or meeting most of the wonderful people that I’ve met, in the last 4.5 years.

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