Monday, March 19, 2012

Excerpt: Proud, by Michael Healey (unexpurgated)

Reprinted by permission of Michael Healey
Scene 3
The prime minister’s office. It’s early.

PRIME MINISTER
Strategy is long-term thinking about how to achieve goals.

JISBELLA
Yes.

PRIME MINISTER
A tactic is an act you take in the short term that serves a particular strategy.

JISBELLA
Okay.

PRIME MINISTER
It always bugs me when people confuse the two.

JISBELLA
I bet. Can I get a coffee?

PRIME MINISTER
No.

JISBELLA
You have a coffee.

PRIME MINISTER
I do. Now --

JISBELLA
What time is it? I mean, holy shit.

PRIME MINISTER
Now. There are certain things the press pays attention to, and certain things they don’t. Sometimes we have a little trouble figuring out which things they’re going to pick up on, and which things they are going to ignore.

JISBELLA
That must drive you nuts.

PRIME MINISTER
The long form census is an example of this. We thought we could kill it without the press noticing.

JISBELLA
Why would you want to kill the census?

PRIME MINISTER
I’ll tell you later. I’m making a point.

JISBELLA
Okay. Can I just get a coffee?

PRIME MINISTER
Absolutely not. So, in looking ahead, there are programs I want to enact, which I feel might raise the ire of the press, possibly of the people as well, and I want to do what I can to minimize the chance of that happening. Fortunately, the first thing I want to do is spectacularly dull. Odds are, it will go completely unnoticed.

JISBELLA
What is it?

PRIME MINISTER
I’m going to reform the Privy Council Office. Under the Liberals the number of people working there ballooned. I’m going to shrink it again.

JISBELLA
Why?

PRIME MINISTER
It doesn’t need to be that big. Also, there are people there who are… resistive to our influence. It’s so petty. The PCO loved us at the beginning.

JISBELLA
They did?

PRIME MINISTER
Oh yeah. When we came in, in 2006, as a minority, we had a narrow agenda focused on five priorities. Remember?

JISBELLA
No.

PRIME MINISTER
No?

JISBELLA
No.

PRIME MINISTER
You don’t remember, when we got elected in 2006, how we focused on five things?

JISBELLA
Really?

PRIME MINISTER
Did you notice the GST went down?

JISBELLA
The GST went down?

PRIME MINISTER
I mean, really?

JISBELLA
I was busy in 2006.

PRIME MINISTER
The point is, the bureaucracy loved us when we came in, because we were focused. We had five things to do, not a thousand, and it was easy for them to plan and get things done.

JISBELLA
Sure.

PRIME MINISTER
But now I’m going to trim them, and I need your help with that.

JISBELLA
You want me to go fire some people? I’ve never done that before. Well, I fired a dishwasher at the restaurant I ran, but really, like, he wasn’t showing up for his shifts, so --

PRIME MINISTER
Ms. Lyth…

JISBELLA
-- like, at all, so I called him and got his machine, and so --

PRIME MINISTER
Ms. Lyth…

JISBELLA
I called him --

PRIME MINISTER
I don’t care.

JISBELLA
I’M TALKING. I CARE.

A beat

JISBELLA
And I just got his machine, so I fired him over his machine.

PRIME MINISTER
I don’t want you to fire people. I want you to distract the press.

JISBELLA
Okay.

PRIME MINISTER
So, in a couple weeks’ time, you’re going to stand up in parliament and introduce a private member’s bill.

JISBELLA
Okay.

A beat

PRIME MINISTER
Don’t you want to know what’s in the bill?

JISBELLA
That coffee you’ve got smells like ass. And yet I still want some. Can I have just a sip?

PRIME MINISTER
Yes, here, take the coffee. God.

She drinks

JISBELLA
You’re the fucking prime minister of Canada. And this is what you drink in the morning?

PRIME MINISTER
It’s decaf.

JISBELLA
You monster!

PRIME MINISTER
You’re going to introduce a bill limiting abortion.

JISBELLA
An anti-abortion bill?

PRIME MINISTER
A pro-life bill. We’ll draft it for you. I will pretend to be caught off guard, and I will say that you’re acting on your own, and that I strongly disapprove. The press will spend several days gleefully watching your rebellion, I’ll cut the PCO, and they will miss the story.

JISBELLA
And what happens to the bill?

PRIME MINISTER
If it ever comes to a vote, it’ll be defeated. And you’ll have a reputation as a maverick who won’t conform to party discipline. Okay?

A pause

JISBELLA
Okay.

PRIME MINISTER
Okay?

JISBELLA
Okay.

A beat

PRIME MINISTER
Any questions?

JISBELLA
No, I got it.


A pause. He’s looking at her

JISBELLA
What?

PRIME MINISTER
You don’t have a problem doing this? Morally?

JISBELLA
Nope.
A pause

PRIME MINISTER
That’s… um.

JISBELLA
What?

PRIME MINISTER
Well, I had assumed you were going to object to the plan. I…

JISBELLA
Yes?

PRIME MINISTER
Never mind.

JISBELLA
What?

PRIME MINISTER
No, I had come up with several compelling arguments, that’s all.

JISBELLA
Really.

PRIME MINISTER
Yes. Never mind.

JISBELLA
You were going to change my mind? On abortion?

PRIME MINISTER
Yes.

JISBELLA
Using arguments?

PRIME MINISTER
It’s --

JISBELLA
Well, now I would like to hear those amazing arguments. Because they sound like they would be amazing.

PRIME MINISTER
Well, sorry. Now I don’t need to deploy them.

JISBELLA
Dammit! But what if your arguments didn’t work?

PRIME MINISTER
Oh, they would have worked.

JISBELLA
But what if they didn’t?

PRIME MINISTER
In that case… I was going to flirt with you.

A beat. She’s dumbstruck

JISBELLA
You were going to try arguments… and then flirting?

PRIME MINISTER
I was going to, yes, flirt with you. My sense is that you respond to flirtatious behaviour. Am I wrong?

JISBELLA
No. In fact, next time skip the arguments and go straight for the flirting. Because I’m dying to see that shit.

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