Try these out with your friends!
by Matt Raudsepp of Matt and Kyle and Matt
1. Nobody To My Left/Somebody To My Right: Safe (fig. 1)
The Holy Grail of assigned seating. Some “theatre goer” didn’t go, and you find yourself with an empty seat next to you. Throw that elbow open and extend a foot into nothingness… this play is going to be good! Pro Tip: use the empty spot for your jacket, bags, and program.
2. Nobody To My Left/Somebody To My Right: Confrontational (fig. 2)
The person sitting to your right asks you if they can place their jacket in that Holy Grail of an empty space to your left. Well, guess what? Your jacket, bags, and program are already filling it quite nicely, thank you very much. Show your neighbour that you’re the king of the row by invading his space (you wanted to shift your arm and leg anyway). Be sure to keep a firm grip on the armrest while you throw that other elbow open and place the bottom of your foot on his thigh... this play just got a lot worse for your neighbour! Pro Tip: feign ignorance for as long as you can.
3. The Bust (fig. 3)
This play is a bust? You are a bust. Turn your back on the show and nap in a near-fetal position… this play is busted! Pro Tip: rest your feet on the bosom of the woman sitting in the row behind you to level up the “bust” pun yet again.
4. The Standing Ovation (fig. 4)
Wish you could see the stage better while simultaneously showing your appreciation for the performance? Step right up and get a bird’s eye view… this play was far too understood by audiences ‘til you stood up! Pro Tip: that was a pun.
5. One Hand Clapping (fig. 5)
Are the actors seemingly performing for themselves up there? Feels a little too “wanky”? Why not join in on the self-gratification? Leave a decoy sleeve on the armrest and slip that hand down your shirt and into your pants. Pro Tip: the sound of applause perfectly masks the sound you’re now making.