The Coolest Thing
[Publisher: We are enormously pleased, today, to be offering the first in an occasional series of excerpts from published Canadian books by theatre writers. GLC]
Mark Leiren-Young is a playwright, screenwriter, journalist, author and occasional contributor to The Charlebois Post. His bestselling book, Never Shoot a Stampede Queen (Heritage, 2009), won the Stephen Leacock Medal for Humour. His stage plays have been produced throughout Canada and the US, and have also been seen in Europe and Australia. He has written extensively for TV, including the premiere episode of the series Grand Illusions: The Story of Magic. As a journalist, he has written for such publications as TIME, Maclean’s, Utne Reader and the Walrus. As a journalist and magic fan he has interviewed Doug Henning, David Copperfield and Penn and Teller’s Penn Jilette.
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When Lisa saw the blade of the guillotine race toward the back of Randy’s neck, she began to scream. It sliced, then stopped … with a sickening thud. The executioner smiled, satisfied. Lisa started to cry. And her lover’s headless body twitched, then lay there motionless until finally it shouted, “Normannnnnnn!”
The arms of the corpse flailed until two not-so-dead fingers connected with the latch holding its head in place. “That hurt.”
Lisa stopped sobbing, bent over to look at the man she was mourning and scowled. “Your head’s still there.”
“No problem,” said Randy.
“And you didn’t bleed. Weren’t you supposed to bleed this time?”
“I didn’t bleed? Normannnn!”